January 23rd, 2024 was 7 years since Ellie left this earth. I believe she is healed and in Heaven. I believe that we are the ones suffering still here on earth. But, while I am still here, there is work to be done.
This April 27th, we celebrate our 5th year as a non-profit showing love to families affected by childhood cancer through Brave Box gift packages.
Feel free to check out how you can engage here:
https://www.bravelikeellie.org/events/5thanniversarycelebrationdinner
I have been so busy working to meet the needs of the families we serve that I must admit sometimes I allow words like excited to fill my vocabulary. It is exciting to me to be able to lead Brave like Ellie. I am honored to do so and know that Ellie is healed. There are still days that depression takes over in a more subtle way than it is used to. This life without Ellie is pretty wild. Grief still exists and I believe always will. I believe that Grief and Joy can co-exist.
Here is a blog post from 9/16/2017. About 8 months after Ellie passed away.
IT'S ALL HARD - We CAN do hard things
Life is hard. Change is hard. Cancer is hard. Life before cancer is hard, life after cancer is hard, life during cancer is hard, and so they say that Joy comes in the morning, but sometimes I wonder if that’s really true.
I sit here in my new back yard, listening to the fountain that is next to our house. The sound is peaceful, relaxing and I’m thankful for it. The breeze is blowing on my face from the cool air, and my heart is numb.
Okay, I lied. Nothing about my heart is numb. Rather, my heart is broken, into pieces. lots and lots of pieces.
Broken…because my outward appearance may show that things are going pretty well. And, some days things are going pretty well. I am moving through life, working, being a wife and a mom, and doing the stuff of life. Through social media and a few short communications with, part of my life is watching a few other families dealing with their children fighting their own battles with illness or cancer of some sort, whether it be after or before treatment. Once you are in the world of pediatric cancer, it never really goes away. Even when the doctor’s say the cancer is gone and the battle is won, 1 thing every cancer mom or dad knows all too well, is that cancer will always be present, even if all those stupid cells never return. Even when you’re beautiful 3 yr old loses her battle to cancer, and the cancer is gone since her precious body is gone, the cancer leaves a trail of destruction behind. like a hurricane, fire, or tornado that we have seen so much of these past few weeks. so much changes. so much sucks. So much collateral damage.
Broken, because I am lonely.
Broken, because I am sad, confused and tired.
Broken, because I am struggling with how to be a good mom and wife and friend.
Broken, because my role as a mom has been redefined. I remain a stepmom, as I have for almost 10 yrs now. I remain a mother to out 8 yr old. I now am a mother to a beautiful daughter who fought for her life fought hard, with beauty, and bravery, and sass, and spunk, and often sparkles, bubbles or a soft pink cape. damn it!!! What I wouldn’t give to see her strut down those hospital halls in that pink cape. damn it, damn it, damn it!
Broken, because at 37 years old we finally have the privilege of being homeowners for the 1st time. I wanted to buy my first house at 24 yrs old. I have been anxiously awaiting for it to be our time to be in that club.
Broken, because homeownership is not all sunshine and roses. We have an incredibly beautiful house. we have plenty of space in this house. plenty of rooms we still need to furnish and put together. it’s a good problem to have. I am ok that we have room to grow. We have an office that I have dreamed of for years, full of boxes waiting to have bookshelves so I can unpack our books.
Broken, because while we now have this beautiful home, with lots of space, only 1 friend has come to see it. No family members have come to enjoy it with us. Adjusting to living an hour away from the place we built our life over the past 11 yrs is hard.
Sadie sits giving me company, Rusty too, and even my new friend Mr. spider, who keeps climbing around and around my patio chair.
All of this brokenness is real, very real, but most days it’s just background noise in my life. Most days, it doesn’t stop me from enjoying a joyful life. Then there’s those other days.
I don’t want to be cancer, I don’t want to be grief, I don’t want to be loneliness, I don’t want to be broken.
I want to Be Brave.
Buy the good camera
You make me BRAVE Ellie.
Love,
MOM